Italian Grandmother Doesn’t Have Heart To Tell Family Any Dipshit Can Make Lasagna

EASTON, PA—Dreading the looks on their faces once they satisfied the recipe was “truly easy as fuck,” internal grandmother Rosemary Guzzo, 79, reliable Monday that she didn’t have the heart to tell her family that any dipshit can make lasagna. “No, we don’t consider we can bring myself to do it. They’d be too dejected to find out we schooled how to make ‘Nana’s famous lasagna’ from the back of a Barilla box,” pronounced Guzzo, explaining that the plate concerned not some old-world secret rhythmical by generations of Italian matriarchs, but the layering of pasta, meat, cheese, and tomato sauce. “You know what’s tough to make? Soufflé. Not lasagna. Any knuckle-dragging dumbass off the street can set an oven to 375 and cocktail in a baking pan.” At press time, Guzzo’s daughter had asked her to write down any step so they could enjoy the “family treasure” for years to come.

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